Ashley's headstone is suppose to be here this week or next week. This makes me very anxious and nervous. I have waited a long time for this and now I feel a bit scared. It is hard to set still or focus on any one thing. I leave every weekend just to get out of the house and Kansas City. It is like there are too many memories here to deal with. I am burying myself in work and weekends away. I enjoy it but seem to always be tired. I notice that I am very distracted and packing is not going so well. I may end up with all tops and no bottoms if I'm not careful. I just see something I like and throw it in the suitcase. I will probably pull it all together in the morning.
I really enjoy looking at pictures of Ashley now. I have healed enough that I can look at them and remember the good times. I do still feel some pain.
I hope I sleep well tonight.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Still working on getting things done
Tonight, I've been searching the internet for a headstone for Ashley. My favorite is this one....
It seems to represent her inner spirit and the hurt and pain she endured. My goal is to find the strength to get this done. It has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do next to the funeral. This mother's day has been bittersweet and I made it through somehow without breaking down. I did feel like I was on auto pilot most of the day. The next month will be very emotional but worth it.
It seems to represent her inner spirit and the hurt and pain she endured. My goal is to find the strength to get this done. It has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do next to the funeral. This mother's day has been bittersweet and I made it through somehow without breaking down. I did feel like I was on auto pilot most of the day. The next month will be very emotional but worth it.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Ashley lives on!
The past month has been a whirl of calls from people asking about Ashley's life and wanting to remember her. As her mother, this really warms my heart and lets me know she will always be with us in spirit.
I talked to Cindy in Dallas tonight and decided to book a trip to go to the fundraiser that she has created to raise money for EOS. Her son is going to create a movie about Ashley's life and her name will be on the tee boxes of 2 holes on the golf course. My heart does little skips as I think about how life has turned out and those who have kept me going. Just the little nudges and hugs from friends and family always gives me the confidence that I need to know that I can make it another day.
I am still waiting for the KC Star reporter to call me about the newspaper article. He has been out of town for a week and will be out another week. Everything takes time so I am not in any hurry.
Always take time to smell the roses along your way!
I talked to Cindy in Dallas tonight and decided to book a trip to go to the fundraiser that she has created to raise money for EOS. Her son is going to create a movie about Ashley's life and her name will be on the tee boxes of 2 holes on the golf course. My heart does little skips as I think about how life has turned out and those who have kept me going. Just the little nudges and hugs from friends and family always gives me the confidence that I need to know that I can make it another day.
I am still waiting for the KC Star reporter to call me about the newspaper article. He has been out of town for a week and will be out another week. Everything takes time so I am not in any hurry.
Always take time to smell the roses along your way!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Another Suprise
Another suprise this morning. I got up early and there was a message from Zeke, a boy with EE. He wants to make Wednesdy of Eosinophilia Week a day in memory of Ashley. I was so touched. Tonight, I will send him photos of her for his video. I also booked a trip to Dallas in 3 weeks so I can meet him and thank him for his kindness and thoughtfulness.
At least I know she will never be forgotten!!!!
At least I know she will never be forgotten!!!!
Monday, March 15, 2010
Marvenna Psychic Reading 2/19/10
M-Write down your full name on the birth certificate.
K-I know that she has been known to be open to psychics and has been talking to them freely.
M-Was her name Ashley?
K- Her name is Ashley but went by the name Poor Little Nico when she was in her depression. She always wanted to get her palm read and was real into astrology. She did the numbers and had all these big books. She did the astrology charts on all the people there. She had a eating disorder but they put her in the psych unit at the Mayo Clinic. They put her in the wrong place. She did her astrology chart and she said Mom, it says in my mid teens, that I will have horrible stomach aches. I honestly think if she was still alive, that she will certainly have a 6th sense. it says in the middle teens and that I will have stomach aches. She filled out astrology charts on all the people there in the psychiatric unit.
M-Oh, I agree. A lot of the younger kids are born psychic. I think t hat everyone is psychic. Most people by age 7, they start be impressionable with their parents and they teach it out of them. The parents will say “Oh that’s interesting, but that is not real. The younger kids are very natural with other planes. It’s kinda like it’s right there and they know it. As like we wonder sometimes.
K-she was very very sick and that kinda lead up to her suicide. I don’t know if I gave you that information.
M-Yes you told me that. She had a stomach disorder?
K-Yes it’s EOS. It eats her throat and restricts her esophagus. It wasn’t just a typical teenager that committed suicide. She was sick for a long time. I could see it heading that way. I did what I could tried what I could before it happened.
M-was she terminal?
K-It can be. In her case, she was so malnutritioned for so long. It affected her organs and that is why her legs hurt. She lost all her muscular protein in her bones. She was in pain all the time and she says that she is in a better place.
M-I turn this light off and asked “Do you have something of hers that I could hold onto?”
Karla hands her a cosmetic case of Ashley’s.
Prayer before Reading.
M-We will do a prayer to connect our energy.
We are totally surrounded by a pure white light by Christ. We give thanks. At this time, we call upon the Spiritual guides, angel guides and the master teacher guides to be present. To bring in messages that has revelance for Karla. We call on the daughter Ashley and to invite her to come. To bring messages and words to help her mother understand the situation. To move through it in a good way.. for our sessions can be at the highest soul level for all parties involved.
M-do you go by Karla or Karla Jo? Is there something about headaches and your daughter is talking about the headaches.
K-I suffer with migraines all my life.
M-She said that she will try to help you.
K-That’s good I could use some help.
M-She shows me a beautiful heart like you would see on Valentine’s day. I think that it is her way to bring you love and to you Jackie. She is acknowledging you and it seems especially with Valentine’s Day so close. She says I love you too. She says that she has very much looked forward to this and very excited to communicate to this side. She wants you to really get it your mind and heart. To know in your hear that her soul is focused in a dif direction in a way that you could imagine or relate to. To just trust that it is just as real that you are experiencing now. That it’s illusionary in nature. And it’s a very good illusion. What is the word? Persistence illusion. I see music.
K-She always played music day and night on her laptop. She loves music and played it constanly.
M-Did someone play the violin? Or something like that?
K-she played the cello.
M-she is talking about some kind of instrument.
J-You played the violin when you were younger.
M-you played the violin? I think she is talking about you and I’m getting confirmation with that with her hitting the drum back there. Something for your grief and headaches too. It’s good to create a healing paradigm for yourself and start getting some structure. You can start a new chapter and have a plan for it and it’s her idea. She will be there to help you and to encourage h\er along the way. She said that you always encourage he and she appreciates that. She says that further downt he raod hae a better understanding why she picked that particular journey. And the limitations with it and the really strong lessons of love for you and her and the other people that are close. It’s challenging but it still has quite a lot of value. It gives us perspective and about our human nature and our nature. It helps to kinda line things up. One of these days it will make sense to you. I see a Indian. A mohawk Indian. Is there something about Indians with school or in family heritage. Was there a mascot that was an Indian?.
K-She loved Indian artifacts. She bought that handmade Indian thing with feathers and I’m not sure what you call it.
M-That is her way of confirming her fascination. She is saying we spend life times as natives, Mom and Jackie have also. I think another aspect of one of her other (past) lives…she is showing me Mother Mary.
M Now there is a Mary in the family or a connection to Mother Mary?
K-Her grandmother’s name was Mary on her step-dad’s side of the family. She always l iked Mary a lot.
M-I feel that she is talking about Mary. I feel that her grandmother is there and her energy is around. She is wanting to participate also.
K-Can I ask a question about her boyfriend Enrico. How does Ashley feel about Enrico?
M-Is he big?
K-Well, he is bigger than her. That was her boyfriend.
M-I don’t think that is who she is showing me.
K- I want to see what kind of response I get.
M-Well his nose……
K-He has a big nose. He was left. I was really worried about him for a long time. I’m at a crossroads about him. Maybe or maybe not.
M- you talking about with money?
K-no, with his……..
M-His healing paradigm?
K-yes
M-I definitely feel a lot of sadness. I think that he has been connected to her in other lifetimes. There are a lot of fond memories. He knew before he was born, that she wouldn’t be here for very long. That doesn’t make the physical sadness any less bearable or easy. I feel as time goes by, he will be more able get a sense of peace. He definitely feels some guilt and a lot of conflict about it. Part of him knows that she was like a runaway freight train with her health. There is a part of him, that thinks he had tried a little harder or love a little harder, that maybe it would have turned out different. He can still use some support and love. Just hold a space for him to open his heart and mind up to interact with her to know that she is okay. He has a lot of inprinting from his family that it’s not okay. There seems to be a lot of superstition about life after death. He is not as open minded and there is some fear there. He has a really low sense of self esteem and self worth. He feels that his one chance at love is over and now she is gone. There is a lot of sadness. All of those lessons, he came to work through while he is here. She says appreciates your effort on his behalf.
M-Is there a mike connected to you.
K-Uh, yes
M- Who is he?
K- A guy I lived with for a while. It was not a good time. Ashley wrote in her journal that his name was never to be mentioned in our house again. That is a”Mike” that is the most recent one.
M-I feel some healing for you in this area. It still has you a little beat down. It’s important to take back or call your soul and power from him. In order to get some peace and put the disappointment, disturbance and negativity behind you. Maybe some forgiveness and ceremonial steps to put that situation behind you. To Integrate back into your being and break any ties that bind him to you. Any energy that you sent to him such as love, hate or disappointment that can be a potential link. like in No man’s zone). That way he can’t crawl back up that thread to reattach to you. That he how he goes about his business. It’s how he feeds himself and the monkeys on his back.
K- That’s a good thing to hear and it is a tough one to go through
MarVeena
there is still a lot of healing to do. A lot of ceremonial pulling back you from him. You need to forgive yourself for letting yourself get involved with him. Maybe take some meditation time with your Inner Child to say I’m sorry for putting you in this situation. Nurture the Inner Child. It’s that important part of your self. It’s that part of us that can help us out in the world and gather our adventures. To be in a postion to give back your beauty and make an impact on others on this journey. With the limitation with child consciousness, it doesn’t understand that you are in a safe place. You can move through some of these with exercises such as ceremonies and forgiveness, concerning people who have caused pain and grief. The headaches will go by the wayside. You can do a To Do List. It’s important to engage in these exercises a little at a time and only deal with one at a time. You can ask your guardian angels to help you through this next place. Ask what is the next important thing. Write a list of people who have caused you pain, scared and hurt you. Only deal with one at a time. It may take 3 days to deal with one.
K-the only thing that I have left to do is the headstone. I can’t seem to do that. I will take a day off and then I just don’t do it.
M- She wants you to get, that she is not there, When you get ready to do that, just remember that she is not there. There is a big difference. Those things are to have the memories to remember the people that were important to us. To have a place to go back and trigger those memory. You can just as easily set those up in your home. You can set up a lot of things or something that she loved. Photograph, lock of hair, etc. you can feel her better here than going there. She wants you to get it over with. “”Buck up and get it over with. She said that you will feel better and more complete. She will not run off and leave you. It’s not like once you do that it’s not like putting the nail in the coffin.
She said that it’s entirely possible to have a relationship. We have to communicate from a higher level.. Right now you are use to communicating in the 5 senses. You have to bump it up to the higher senses. Make it your business to hone it and to practice it. When you do that, you will be able to get little glimpses or messages from her. You are already sensitive and you can already tell when her spirit is around. She is just laughing and said “Just think of me as an angel on a fluffy cloud”.
K-Ask her how she will come to me?
M-she says in a lot of different ways. It might be with the butterflies, birds, feathers, pennies, lights or the music on the radio. Sometimes you will get a sense of her and just know that she is around. She is still very sad and very guilty about the going out the way she did. She says she just really got tired of hurting. She got so tired of it. She didn’t feel like she had an outlet like “what could get better?” if she thought that things would get better than it would be different. She says In the spirit world, it is definitely a “no” to commit suicide. There are extenuating circumstances. Even if there weren’t, the spirit can process it over time and get it into perspective and eventually gain forgiveness. To think that it has to happen, all of the people that they had an agreement or a contract with on this earth. They have to forgive them. They have to find a way to make up to those people. For instance, if your daughter suppose to marry Enrico and have a child. It’s hard to make up for that. That is what they have to do is to find some way to make up for that or that person forgive them a hole in their journey.
M- I get a lot of books around you. Are you reading a lot? I’m getting something about books around you?
K-I started reading again and I have several books. I just finished “The Shack” and brought some suicide books with me that Jackie bought me. I’m really getting into reading.
M-Your daughter says that she reads over her shoulder. To keep you company. She says to acknowledge you Jackie saying “You take such good care of my Mom. You especially helped in making this connection. (meaning to communicate through a psychic). She is very grateful. I’m not sure that Mom would have found me. She is laughing…………………... I see a real pretty cat that is a Persian? Does someone have a Persian?
K-we had 2 cats. You mean now? I fostered 2 cats for a friend that lost a home. There was a creamy cat that looked like a persian. I fostered it for a week and somebody came to pick them up. We always had cats.
M-It was really pretty. Whitish or Light colored, not your average cat. That is the image that I saw. Is there a Catherine or Kathleen in the family?
K-Kathy is a friend of mine. She helped a lot when Ashley was sick.
M-Just let her know that she was acknowledged and appreciate her. I get a teacher, is there someone who was a teacher was connected to her?
K-Yes, the science teacher. They were really, really, really close. She would spend every lunch hour with him in his room reading science since she couldn’t eat lunch. I’ve been thinking about him a lot. His wife died about the same time as Ashley has passed. He knew her so well.
M-I feel that she send her hello to him and he was a good support to her. He was like a rock to hang onto good presence. It can be unnerving to feel different form the other kids. He was like parent figure at school and like a protection. When she felt outside the box
K I think she missed having a father figure.
M-I feel that she would like that. I think she wants to send her hello to him and he was a good support to her. He was like a rock to hang onto and a good presence. It can be unnerving sometimes to feel different from the other kids. He was like parent figure at school and like a protective place, when she felt outside the box.
K I think she missed having a father figure. I think she wanted it really bad.
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M-I think you are right and that was definitely a good connection for her. I see a clown.
K=I bought her a clown when she was at the Mayo Clinic. It has glass beads. It was suppose to go in her casket and it didn’t make it. Tell her I’m taking very good care of it and it’s tucked away in a box of memories of her.
M-I think she wants to keep it with you. It has her energy on it.
K-she wanted a clown masquerade or clowns marching through. That’s the kind of funeral she wanted. Whenever her grandpa died…….
M-like the Mardi Gras or New Orleans?
K-yes, when my dad died, she was telling Kayla her niece. That was the kind of funeral that she wanted. That was not what she wanted.
M-she is showing me the pretty clowns. She loved it and it very appreciative of it. It was like a big bright sight. Every time she looked at it, it made her happy. It was like a touchstone, to get out of the reality of the pain. Let’s transition to this bright and happy colors, a way to shift her consciousness.
K- It was always right by her desk by her computer.
M-Now I see a Razor back hog, Arkansas connection or Bill Clinton. Is there some connection?
K-she liked Bill Clinton not George Bush. She would tell anyone on the street. She was very vocal about it.
M-Did someone in the family have a Poodle?
K-No
M-I see a pretty white poodle. You will have to ponder on who might have had one?
K-I don’t know if you are going back. When we lived at the lake this lady had a tall white poodle. She loved, loved that poodle. Dog’s name was John. That is the only poodle I can think of
M-She’s probably going back to a happy memory. She is saying “A long time ago in a far far away place”. She has quite an imagination and very creative. Did she write poetry?
K-Yes
M-she is showing me her poetry? She knew that it would be a hard go around here. She says You know the ego really buys into this place. We always think before we come in that we will be objective and remember exactly why we are here. What we plan to do here. She was real expressive.
K-She is very dramatic
M-That’s it. Dramatic and expressive.
K-uses big words
M-That is what she is talking about.
M-Now was there something about hair. Was she particular of her hair?
K-Yes,
M-I just felt that was something she thought it was pretty. She was frustrated because she felt thin. She did like her hair.
K- Yes, she thought her hair was very pretty.she liked it natural and wouldn’t blow dry. She wanted it to be healthy.
M-She is showing me her hair. She was quite a pistol, isn’t she.
K-she is still a pistol on the other side.
M-There is no was about it, Mom.
K-It’s good to see that still a pistol on the other side.
M-she says when we are on this plateau and we integrate all of our other lifetimes and makes us humble. I want to say the word grace. We feel the sense of grace and for all that we gain. For all the trials and tribulations and that we persevere while we are on this plane. How hard it is to be a Mom and lose a child. The love and the human nature is the thing. Does she draw?
K-she is a very good artist.
M-she is showing me images. My goodness, she is very gifted.
K-If you go to my Facebook and on my albums. You just look through there, you will see pictures of her art work. That’s like her. Ashley, if she had pencil and paper, then she was happy.
M-Did she have some artwork that had some lips. There’s something about lips. You know like Marilyn Monroe? Smooch lips?
K-Yes, there was one with the head of a guy and a girl that were kissing. It’s hard to tell as every drawing was different and eclectic.
M-Yes, that’s it.
K-The thing about Ego. She had drawn a picture about Ego. She always called her people Apathy and gave them names like emotions. All her people were named after emotions. She had all these people in her head that she was going to write a story about. All her pictures are out in her album. That is what I miss. When I saw her in the casket and looked at her hands. I thought that she would never draw again. That’s what she loved and I nurtured it.
M-I just saw this image of smooch lips and it seemed like it was in a quadrant. The lips were in the middle like a Mandela.
K- I couldn’t put everything on Facebook and I have a box with all her pictures. A lot of them are framed and I just my favorites on Facebook.
J-She did a ceramic face and I was just blown away
M-Maybe that is what I’m trying to….
K-It’s huge.
J-It looked African to me.
K-She did it by hand. I put her in an art school. A school for kids that are not mainstream. Kansas City Academy. She did this with her hands and they called me back there “Look what she did”. I said of course my child is extremely gifted. She is a beautiful artist. I didn’t know what else to do with her art. I contacted people. I don’t want to feel like a failure. Maybe there is still a way for her art to be used. If people want to use her art
M-Maybe you can get photographs of it and create a file. You can have examples that you can send to maybe hospitals or hospices, museums, galleries, schools or even the art school she went to. Different places to have a need for something inspirational. So the first thing is to photograph and then you can have something to send out. Kind of like a mini representation. She is laughing she is showing a big polar bear.
K-I had a white polar bear collection and I gave all to her. She loved white polar bears. I’m a big Coca Cola fan. So she would buy me Coca Cola bear. I had polar bears all around the house.
M-It’s like the laughing polar bear….. She wants her art to make you happy and smile.
K-Oh it does
M-And to be around you. And anyone else that it brings a smile would make her happy too. That is her opinion on this. She said that she met Jesus and there are a lot of different master teachers and beautiful angels. Archangels and beautiful spirits. There is a lot of them there. They are very accessible and very helpful with souls to work through their process. Of anything that is left over. I see a large fish like something you would get out of the ocean. Was there like a trip to Florida?
K-We went to Beaver Lake in Arkansas. You had mentioned Arkansas before and we caught stripers. They are not the big sail fish. That is the biggest fishing trip we had been on.
M-this is not a striper. It’s a sail fish with a fin. It puts me in mind of a vacation. Are you thinking about going on a tropical vacation or holiday?
K-Like now?
M-Coming up?
K-If you mean like my plane ride yesterday, then yes. A guy mentioned to me as we were talking on the plane, that I should take a ocean fishing trip. It has been on my mind. I haven’t formulated it yet.
M-I think that she is acknowledging that.
K-That Mom should probably do that.
M-I think that is what she is talking about. That would be good and fun. She says that you need to make it adventurous. She said Don’t worry about money. It’s just numbers in the end. She says I can laugh because I know how it really comes to you. Just as long as you have faith and trust that it will come to you. As long as you trust, that’s her opinion.
K-She knows her Momma.
M-I see a fire engine. Did you all ever live by a fire station? Or have a fire dog?
K-At the Lake, there was a antique fire truck that they would drive around the lake. I had taken her one time to a firehouse. A friend of mine showed her the bell. She always liked fire engines.
M-I think that she is probably acknowledging that. Her compact (that she is holding to pick up on Ashley) feels really good. A lot of times, when I hold other people’s things then I will have to put it down. It doesn’t agitate me. She has beautiful energy and it’s angelic. Very pure and very high and very powerful. She just said that she came in for a quick turnaround (meaning dying at a young age). She said that she didn’t want to be an old lady.
K-That sounds like her.
M-She’s laughing. Did she hurt her finger? She is showing me like you would tie a string to remind her self of something or a bandaid?
K-You know it’s funny. Her fingers and everything on her hurt all the time. I can’t remember if she had. Everything was moving so fast. I do have this hand of hers. (Wooden artistic hand) I had this hand of hers and I put my rings on that.
M-That is what she is showing me is a finger.
M-Is there a Nancy connected to her.
K-We were photography friends. It’s one of those things..should I or shouldn’t I tell her. I know she would call me. We sorta had parted ways.
M-that would be good. An image of a kitty cat and a bowl. Tell me your question.
K-I have a sister Amy and I don’t know if Ashley can help with this. We were very close in our life and it has changed. Our relationship is estranged and I have been told not until we can have a healthy one. I don’t know what she means by that. I don’t want to pursue the question because I know where it will go. I am very comfortable with who I am and I’m happy. As happy as a person can be considering what I have been through. It eats at me that she says that.
M- It not about you. It’s about her. What I am getting a disappointment on how she handles herself around certain situations. She doesn’t feel good. I don’t know if she knows that. Still it eats at her. It’s an unconscious thing. It’s seems like it’s a protection mechanism. For her to say that I’m really not ready, maybe to feel your love. Because in this weird way, it can be devastating to know that she could be so wrong. She has a lot of stuff that she needs to work out about herself. What you can do that is positive is that every time you think of her, send her a lot of love. Send out the idea that you are holding a space for her to step into the highest aspect. Those words of blessing will help her and send out a stream of consciousness to her that you are ready to be a friend and a sister, when she is ready. It’s not about you. It’s about her. I feel like she has let herself down and she has let the family down in different things. Where she wasn’t there for you with Ashley that she should have been. That is embarrassing and can be a little overwhelming. Sometimes forgiveness can be so huge and some people don’t know if they can live through the shock of it.
K-I really want to forgive and move on. It’s a struggle.
M-You can forgive her and put that hurt and that disappointment and pain…just put that in your heart space..with the unconditional love. Acknowledge when she is ready, that you will be there. Understand that she made the choices in life from her ego and from a limited place of understanding or from a lot of fear. That is how she made her decisions and how she ran her energy. There is a lot of regrets there. It’s another hard lesson to love even when you really don’t have a good reason to love. I got confirmation on that. It’s disappointing and hard, but it’s still do-able. I think down the road it will turn around. Just hold the space for that to happen, rather than to dwell on the rift. You might make an affirmation like “It’s good to have close loving family around me” or “I’m very lucky to have loving sisters”. Even though you don’t feel it to be 100%, by making that affirmation it sends out a way for the universe to weave.
J-Like a magnet
M-Exactly. It may not be your blood sister or it might be your cousin that comes forth like your sister. That are not relatives at all that have your back and help to support you. Affirmations help to keep a good perspective and to put yourself in that position to have that relationship with her again. Now did someone ever have a corvette?
K-Amy did. My sister.
M-Your daughter is showing me that.
K-Maybe she is going back to the fun times that we use to have.
M-I think so. You have to remember the fun times and that is a good point there. Remember her from a place of innocence before the world screwed her up. Yes, that is definitely important. Tell me what your other questions are?
K-Last time, she mentioned right off the bat for me to stop worrying about the religion and the guilt.
J-The religion that you grew up with your family members.
K-It has brought a lot of guilt and I’m really moving away from that. It’s getting a lot better. To be more comfortable with where I’m at. She (Ashley) said that there was no hell but hell on earth. She always says that she is in a good place. That is my main thing is to just know that she is happy. That she is in a good place and that she is pain free. That she is helping others
M-She says that there are different levels of heaven and you have to earn your way to progress to the different levels. The ones that are higher up are closer to the God head. There is a level for everyone. She says within those levels, there are teachings and opportunities to learn and process. In between there is a level that you may think as purgatory, but it is not. It is not a place of punishment but like going to a hospital that has a lot of wonderful counselors. Where a spirit can go and ponder, think, cry or scream about things. Or get over getting mad about things. They have angelic help such as asking have you looked at it like this. Or realize the pain you were in. She says because of her unique situation with being so ill, that she wasn’t there very long at all (short life). It was like a pit stop. She knew that you would understand. So that helped too. You helped her a lot. You may not have been appreciative or happy, but you understood. You got it and it helped. She says that the more that you become pain free and don’t dwell on the pain of that. You are very tied and this will frees up her guilt there. So as you process and heal, she is able to free up and heal. She says the only pain that she has is relative to your pain. As you are able to heal and move some of that through, then she does equally and proportionately. She said that is a karmic law, that when people cause pain and suffering to someone when they cross over, that they experience equally amount of pain and suffering.
M-Is there a Nancy connected to her.
K-We were photography friends. It’s one of those things..should I or shouldn’t I tell her. I know she would call me. We sorta had parted ways.
M-that would be good. An image of a kitty cat and a bowl. Tell me your question.
K-I have a sister Amy and I don’t know if Ashley can help with this. We were very close in our life and it has changed. Our relationship is estranged and I have been told not until we can have a healthy one. I don’t know what she means by that. I don’t want to pursue the question because I know where it will go. I am very comfortable with who I am and I’m happy. As happy as a person can be considering what I have been through. It eats at me that she says that.
M- It not about you. It’s about her. What I am getting a disappointment on how she handles herself around certain situations. She doesn’t feel good. I don’t know if she knows that. Still it eats at her. It’s an unconscious thing. It’s seems like it’s a protection mechanism. For her to say that I’m really not ready, maybe to feel your love. Because in this weird way, it can be devastating to know that she could be so wrong. She has a lot of stuff that she needs to work out about herself. What you can do that is positive is that every time you think of her, send her a lot of love. Send out the idea that you are holding a space for her to step into the highest aspect. Those words of blessing will help her and send out a stream of consciousness to her that you are ready to be a friend and a sister, when she is ready. It’s not about you. It’s about her. I feel like she has let herself down and she has let the family down in different things. Where she wasn’t there for you with Ashley that she should have been. That is embarrassing and can be a little overwhelming. Sometimes forgiveness can be so huge and some people don’t know if they can live through the shock of it.
K-I really want to forgive and move on. It’s a struggle.
M-You can forgive her and put that hurt and that disappointment and pain…just put that in your heart space..with the unconditional love. Acknowledge when she is ready, that you will be there. Understand that she made the choices in life from her ego and from a limited place of understanding or from a lot of fear. That is how she made her decisions and how she ran her energy. There is a lot of regrets there. It’s another hard lesson to love even when you really don’t have a good reason to love. I got confirmation on that. It’s disappointing and hard, but it’s still do-able. I think down the road it will turn around. Just hold the space for that to happen, rather than to dwell on the rift. You might make an affirmation like “It’s good to have close loving family around me” or “I’m very lucky to have loving sisters”. Even though you don’t feel it to be 100%, by making that affirmation it sends out a way for the universe to weave.
J-Like a magnet
M-Exactly. It may not be your blood sister or it might be your cousin that comes forth like your sister. That are not relatives at all that have your back and help to support you. Affirmations help to keep a good perspective and to put yourself in that position to have that relationship with her again. Now did someone ever have a corvette?
K-Amy did. My sister.
M-Your daughter is showing me that.
K-Maybe she is going back to the fun times that we use to have.
M-I think so. You have to remember the fun times and that is a good point there. Remember her from a place of innocence before the world screwed her up. Yes, that is definitely important. Tell me what your other questions are?
K-Last time, she mentioned right off the bat for me to stop worrying about the religion and the guilt.
J-The religion that you grew up with your family members.
K-It has brought a lot of guilt and I’m really moving away from that. It’s getting a lot better. To be more comfortable with where I’m at. She (Ashley) said that there was no hell but hell on earth. She always says that she is in a good place. That is my main thing is to just know that she is happy. That she is in a good place and that she is pain free. That she is helping others
M-She says that there are different levels of heaven and you have to earn your way to progress to the different levels. The ones that are higher up are closer to the God head. There is a level for everyone. She says within those levels, there are teachings and opportunities to learn and process. In between there is a level that you may think as purgatory, but it is not. It is not a place of punishment but like going to a hospital that has a lot of wonderful counselors. Where a spirit can go and ponder, think, cry or scream about things. Or get over getting mad about things. They have angelic help such as asking have you looked at it like this. Or realize the pain you were in. She says because of her unique situation with being so ill, that she wasn’t there very long at all (short life). It was like a pit stop. She knew that you would understand. So that helped too. You helped her a lot. You may not have been appreciative or happy, but you understood. You got it and it helped. She says that the more that you become pain free and don’t dwell on the pain of that. You are very tied and this will frees up her guilt there. So as you process and heal, she is able to free up and heal. She says the only pain that she has is relative to your pain. As you are able to heal and move some of that through, then she does equally and proportionately. She said that is a karmic law, that when people cause pain and suffering to someone when they cross over, that they experience equally amount of pain and suffering.
M-It will until this party has forgiven, absolved it or processed it. It’s a karmic dynamic. So trust that she is surrounded by love and opportunities by family and spirits that are encouraging to her. She has everything that she needs. She wants you to continue to get into a better and better state of mind. The more that you do that, the better it gets for her. As long as you are delicate and in a real vulnerable state, as she will feel that she has to stay in attendance. As you get healing, it frees her up to go to Venice or go explore Jupiter or to go to an art school or go to a garden. She wants you to take the time that you need. Ask for the help that you need from her and spirit. They will what they can. She is so happy that you came today. Jackie, she sends her love and appreciation for bringing her Mom. It makes her feel good. She says you girls made my day. She is writing a poem about today.
J-I know you had a question about the gun? (question to Karla). You still feel some guilt about that?
K-Yes, I had the gun in a kitchen drawer in the house. She left her journal right out in the open on the floor of her room. I read it and it said I know that the gun is in the kitchen drawer. Suicide is not the way. I understand what you are going through. Life will be better. I didn’t know how the medical could be better, but I would be real positive. I then hid the gun way behind some pipes in a cabinet. I don’t know how she found it and that is what she used. She shot herself in the head. I wonder how she felt right before she did it? Maybe that is not a question I should ask her. I’m curious about what went through her head right before she did it. I’m just curious.
M-I don’t know if she wants you to know. Because I think that it’s sad.
K- sometimes I’m curious but then I don’t want the answer.
M-I think that she was just determined. She was worried about the consequences, the drama, the sadness, the pain and the hole in your life. She didn’t think that there was much of an option to the pain. She was afraid that if she went past a certain point, she wouldn’t be able to do it herself. There was a fear of losing her strength and that she wouldn’t be able to do it herself. Or circumstances would take the opportunity away. That is what I heard. She said that it was easy to find it as she is very psychic. Very intuitive.
K- I told people that if it had the safety on, she would cut it off. She was very very….
M-determined.
K-determined. She was.
M-Very determined and very resolved. I made up my mind and I’m just going to do it and get it over with. Be done with it.
J-The reason I brought it up is someone made a statement to you. “Don’t you wish you didn’t have the gun in the house?
K-This is my sister Amy that I am estranged from. When I went up to the casket, the first time to see her. They let me in by myself. Amy was right by me with her arm around me. We got right up to the casket. I still believe that even though her body is there, that Ashley is still there and can hear. My sister Amy said Don’t you wish that you didn’t have a gun as she would still be alive? I just turned and said I’m not going to answer that. That is a very inappropriate question to ask me right now.
M-Yeah, she doesn’t have a good way with words.
K-Then she went over to her daughter who she is estranged from and real loud. I remember when you were a kid and you wanted to kill yourself. She made a big ass of herself at the funeral. I let that go but like you said she is embarrassed. To me, when something like this happens, you are going to have people that blame you. You can’t let them blame you.
M-See there is still You that blames you.
K-Yeah
M-but in answer to your question if the gun had gone, it would have been pills or something.
J-That is what I was thinking.
M-She was very determined.
K-There were knives, scissors, razorblades. We weren’t living in a padded cell.
M-There were other ways
J-I was told that she even found out on the internet to shoot at the base of the skull
K-So it won’t blow out the other side of your head.
J-That is what Amy told me.
K-It was a small enough gun that it wouldn’t go out the other side. That’s why there was an open casket. Those are the little details that…..
J-Didn’t she look that up on the internet?
K-Ashley? Probably.
M-I felt like it was definitely thought out and planned out. She said that you couldn’t have thought of everything to block her. She appreciates you. That you wanted to protect her. She just felt like that was the answer. She was so close to the spirit world that she knew that it was right there and that it was pain free.
K-she had dreams and she wrote them down in her journal. The dreams are about Memory keepers. I really want to share her journal as it’s so enlightening.
M-I think that it would be wonderful with her art.
K-I will send you a blog when I do one.
M-I will definitely look at that.
K-Just to sit there and read it. You just laugh and cry.
M-I think that there is a lot of healing that will come out from that. A lot of inspiration for people in pain, both as parents, spouses and survivors of suicide and those in terminal pain.
K-that is what I’m trying to do now is to support the parents that has the same disease as she has. I am meeting a family tomarrow morning at Panera Bread (restaurant) that is from Dallas. I will meet my first EOS family. The EOS is for Eosinphilia. This whole trip has become a real bright spot in my life. It gives me chills.
M-I think that is very healing. That is another aspect of the healing. It is to talk to these people. Has their child passed over?
K-No, his name is Zeke and he is young. He just found out that he has EOS in his teenage years. There are people that are getting Ashley’s age. They say if you get these kids involved in something then they can forget about the pain. It depends how far their pain has gone. If he has a feeding tube, then he can be nourished. Ashley didn’t get one, so she wasn’t nourished. I think she went too far with malnutrition, as it affected her body. The kids need to get their nourishment. She begged for a feeding tube and the doctor said that we can’t diagnose you. That is why I have anger at the medical world that I am working on. The failure that they have done. Yes, I have a list of things to do.
M- yes, you want to do it so it won’t come back on you. You want to get that behind you.
K- I don’t want to live with anger.
M-Don’t. Because you don’t want to live with it. It will cause problems. It will cause you physical problems. You want to make that big on your to do list.
K-I’m trying to be positive and see the good in thing, even though I am beaten down.
M- you are not down.
J-she has done surprisingly well.
M-we will do a prayer. We thank all the angels to help to hold the circle. We thank Ashley especially to take the time to be with us. To bring a lot of joy in our heart and encouragement. We thank Jesus and the angel guides. At this time, we open the circle and it know it’s not broken. So be it and so it shall continue to be. She is showing me the Sphinx by the Nile and how it rises up out of it’s ashes like the Phoenix.
2/3/10-----A portion from my reading with Kathleen Tucci, psychic
My cousin Karla, her daughter committed suicide. Back in October
K-Oh, I’m so sorry.
J-Yes she was only 14. It was quite a shock.
K-Oh my God
J-I was wondering….Her name is Ashley the daughter and was there anything that she wanted to convey to her Mom?
K-Just a second, I didn’t know we were going in that direction. I will tune into that vibration. This wasn’t a hanging was it? Just yes or no answer
J-No
K-I get substance. I get “Can’t breathe” for Ashley. Hard for her to swallow. I see the constriction of the throat.
J-Ok that makes sense.
K-It could have been from the medicine or whatever she took. Was there a grandparent that passed before her? Like the year before?
J-Yes
K-I get that she was depressed about the grandparent that had passed. She’s in a very good place though. She is very happy. When she first crossed over, she acknowledges that went to a place that wasn’t scary or dark. She was isolated a little bit until she could figure out that she wasn’t suppose to cross herself over. That isn’t how it’s suppose to be or make the right choice. Does she have a younger brother? Is that right?
J-No
K-was she the youngest?
J-she was the only child
K-I get that there is someone younger? I wonder is she has a cousin that is younger? She wants to say hi to the younger boy.
J-Oh she wants to say hi to the younger boy?
K-the boy is still living. She was around him often. I thought it was her brother. Do you know anyone named Clay? In that area?
J-Clay is my nephew
K-How is he connected to Ashley in any way?
J-No
K-Let me see what she is trying to say about Clay? Because he is still living. I’m trying to understand where she is going with this. Is Karla your friend?
J-Karla is my cousin
K=Oh, she is your cousin
J-Ashley and Clay would be cousins, but they weren’t really around each other.
K-Okay, for her to say….she is going somewhere with this. I need to figure out what she wants to say about Clay?….Ooh, okay…Is Clay around the same age as her?
J-No
K-I know he is younger. How much younger is he?
J-Well he is older, he is 21. HE is older than her. She is 14.
K-Let me ask you this. What I’m getting from Ashley. One of the reasons she is bringing up Clay is she is worried about him. I’m not saying he might do what she did. I’m not sure if she is trying to say that he has a drug problem? Or that he is experimenting with drugs. Does that mean that he is suicidal? Or is he very depressed and he needs someone to help him? I’m not sure. She is concerned for his emotional health. She is trying to shine a light on him and have people look at him. He could use some more support or needs some help emotionally.
J-I know that I’ve been worried. Afraid that…..well, he has been unemployed and trying to find a job in a rural area. It’s harder in those rural areas. After Ashley had killed herself, I stopped by to see Clay on a road trip. I told him “I just worried….I hope that you don’t get so down about this that you would want to kill yourself?: and he told me no.
K-Sorry, kinda know that Ashley just put that out there. You or somebody needs to keep an eye on him or checking on him every once in a while. Make sure that he is okay. She seems to have a concern there. I’m trying to ask her if she has a direct message for Karla other than she missed her grandparent that has passed. They have made contact there. She said that she is sorry. This happened at home in her bedroom?
J-yes
K-she says that she feels bad that people found her in her bedroom. She did it there at the house.
J-yes
K-she feels bad about that. There is a window over the kitchen sink, right?
J-yes. She says that area is somewhere where her spirit can easily permeate. I think that Karla has heard her call her name.
J-Yes she has. Ashley says that she worked really really hard to make that happen and make that come through. She says when Karla wants to feel really close to me one of the places in the house that I can speak easily to her is right there by the kitchen sink. Now is there a red chair? Or a macroon chair?
J-at the house?
K-yes, she said that’s an easy place for her to talk to people. Somebody gave her a cross. When Ashley died, someone actually gave Karla a cross. Something with a cross or a cross on it. Ashley is acknowledging that because she wants Karla to know that she was there and she saw what happened. Afterwards, when she crossed. Does that make sense?
J-Yes
K-Did you want to ask her something?
J-I just wanted to make sure I got a message to her mother. And see what she wanted to tell her.
K-she does have a lot of remorse over it. Doing it there in the house. She is sorry that she went to that length. She wants her to know that she is in a really good place and happy. How long ago did you say that she passed?
J-Around the last week of October.
K-Was her birthday like in the beginning of October or September?
J-I’m not sure
K-seems like she is saying Not long before passed, she went to a birthday party or celebrated a birthday. She is giving me the birthday symbol
J-Karla had a birthday.
K-She is saying there was a birthday and then I did this. She feels really bad about it. She does love her Mom very much. Is her Dad out of the picture?
J-Yeah
K-she says even though Dad is out of the picture, I want to say I love him too. She is in a really good place. Does Ashley smoke when she was young?
J-I’m not sure.
K-Okay, I want you to tell Karla this. She might do this for both of you. She is going to make you smell smoke. I’m sure this is a sign to let you know that she is around, she will have you smell smoke. Does it make sense that you would smell smoke? She says that she like fire, she liked flames, she liked candles. She is mesmerized by fire. She is going to use smoke and it wouldn’t make sense. Like in a closet or someone where noone is smoking. That is her. She is trying to let people know Hey I’m here. She will probably do things with candles too. Or someone will light a candle and it will keep going out. She said thank you. Thank you for asking about me. She is pulling her energy back. She was showing us yellow flowers and then she showed me things that represent burial, grave or cemetery. I didn’t have a chance to ask her if she was cremated? She pulled her energy back. My sense of it is she trying to let people know that she saw the yellow flowers at her passing. Did someone give yellow flowers?
J-I will have to ask my cousin, because I didn’t get to go to the funeral because it was out of state and I couldn’t break away. She wasn’t cremated. There was a casket and she was buried.
K-It may have been a yellow spray on the casket. The yellow flowers seem to be significant. She wants her Mom to know that she saw the yellow flowers.
J-Ok, good.
K-I feel sorry for your loss.
J-yes, it was quite traumatic.
K-I can’t even imagine. Was that where you guys were talking about? Did this happen 6 months ago?
J-You know…maybe that is it. Yeah, that might be it.
K-It seemed like a loss to me.
J- alittle less than 6 months.
M-Write down your full name on the birth certificate.
K-I know that she has been known to be open to psychics and has been talking to them freely.
M-Was her name Ashley?
K- Her name is Ashley but went by the name Poor Little Nico when she was in her depression. She always wanted to get her palm read and was real into astrology. She did the numbers and had all these big books. She did the astrology charts on all the people there. She had a eating disorder but they put her in the psych unit at the Mayo Clinic. They put her in the wrong place. She did her astrology chart and she said Mom, it says in my mid teens, that I will have horrible stomach aches. I honestly think if she was still alive, that she will certainly have a 6th sense. it says in the middle teens and that I will have stomach aches. She filled out astrology charts on all the people there in the psychiatric unit.
M-Oh, I agree. A lot of the younger kids are born psychic. I think t hat everyone is psychic. Most people by age 7, they start be impressionable with their parents and they teach it out of them. The parents will say “Oh that’s interesting, but that is not real. The younger kids are very natural with other planes. It’s kinda like it’s right there and they know it. As like we wonder sometimes.
K-she was very very sick and that kinda lead up to her suicide. I don’t know if I gave you that information.
M-Yes you told me that. She had a stomach disorder?
K-Yes it’s EOS. It eats her throat and restricts her esophagus. It wasn’t just a typical teenager that committed suicide. She was sick for a long time. I could see it heading that way. I did what I could tried what I could before it happened.
M-was she terminal?
K-It can be. In her case, she was so malnutritioned for so long. It affected her organs and that is why her legs hurt. She lost all her muscular protein in her bones. She was in pain all the time and she says that she is in a better place.
M-I turn this light off and asked “Do you have something of hers that I could hold onto?”
Karla hands her a cosmetic case of Ashley’s.
Prayer before Reading.
M-We will do a prayer to connect our energy.
We are totally surrounded by a pure white light by Christ. We give thanks. At this time, we call upon the Spiritual guides, angel guides and the master teacher guides to be present. To bring in messages that has revelance for Karla. We call on the daughter Ashley and to invite her to come. To bring messages and words to help her mother understand the situation. To move through it in a good way.. for our sessions can be at the highest soul level for all parties involved.
M-do you go by Karla or Karla Jo? Is there something about headaches and your daughter is talking about the headaches.
K-I suffer with migraines all my life.
M-She said that she will try to help you.
K-That’s good I could use some help.
M-She shows me a beautiful heart like you would see on Valentine’s day. I think that it is her way to bring you love and to you Jackie. She is acknowledging you and it seems especially with Valentine’s Day so close. She says I love you too. She says that she has very much looked forward to this and very excited to communicate to this side. She wants you to really get it your mind and heart. To know in your hear that her soul is focused in a dif direction in a way that you could imagine or relate to. To just trust that it is just as real that you are experiencing now. That it’s illusionary in nature. And it’s a very good illusion. What is the word? Persistence illusion. I see music.
K-She always played music day and night on her laptop. She loves music and played it constanly.
M-Did someone play the violin? Or something like that?
K-she played the cello.
M-she is talking about some kind of instrument.
J-You played the violin when you were younger.
M-you played the violin? I think she is talking about you and I’m getting confirmation with that with her hitting the drum back there. Something for your grief and headaches too. It’s good to create a healing paradigm for yourself and start getting some structure. You can start a new chapter and have a plan for it and it’s her idea. She will be there to help you and to encourage h\er along the way. She said that you always encourage he and she appreciates that. She says that further downt he raod hae a better understanding why she picked that particular journey. And the limitations with it and the really strong lessons of love for you and her and the other people that are close. It’s challenging but it still has quite a lot of value. It gives us perspective and about our human nature and our nature. It helps to kinda line things up. One of these days it will make sense to you. I see a Indian. A mohawk Indian. Is there something about Indians with school or in family heritage. Was there a mascot that was an Indian?.
K-She loved Indian artifacts. She bought that handmade Indian thing with feathers and I’m not sure what you call it.
M-That is her way of confirming her fascination. She is saying we spend life times as natives, Mom and Jackie have also. I think another aspect of one of her other (past) lives…she is showing me Mother Mary.
M Now there is a Mary in the family or a connection to Mother Mary?
K-Her grandmother’s name was Mary on her step-dad’s side of the family. She always l iked Mary a lot.
M-I feel that she is talking about Mary. I feel that her grandmother is there and her energy is around. She is wanting to participate also.
K-Can I ask a question about her boyfriend Enrico. How does Ashley feel about Enrico?
M-Is he big?
K-Well, he is bigger than her. That was her boyfriend.
M-I don’t think that is who she is showing me.
K- I want to see what kind of response I get.
M-Well his nose……
K-He has a big nose. He was left. I was really worried about him for a long time. I’m at a crossroads about him. Maybe or maybe not.
M- you talking about with money?
K-no, with his……..
M-His healing paradigm?
K-yes
M-I definitely feel a lot of sadness. I think that he has been connected to her in other lifetimes. There are a lot of fond memories. He knew before he was born, that she wouldn’t be here for very long. That doesn’t make the physical sadness any less bearable or easy. I feel as time goes by, he will be more able get a sense of peace. He definitely feels some guilt and a lot of conflict about it. Part of him knows that she was like a runaway freight train with her health. There is a part of him, that thinks he had tried a little harder or love a little harder, that maybe it would have turned out different. He can still use some support and love. Just hold a space for him to open his heart and mind up to interact with her to know that she is okay. He has a lot of inprinting from his family that it’s not okay. There seems to be a lot of superstition about life after death. He is not as open minded and there is some fear there. He has a really low sense of self esteem and self worth. He feels that his one chance at love is over and now she is gone. There is a lot of sadness. All of those lessons, he came to work through while he is here. She says appreciates your effort on his behalf.
M-Is there a mike connected to you.
K-Uh, yes
M- Who is he?
K- A guy I lived with for a while. It was not a good time. Ashley wrote in her journal that his name was never to be mentioned in our house again. That is a”Mike” that is the most recent one.
M-I feel some healing for you in this area. It still has you a little beat down. It’s important to take back or call your soul and power from him. In order to get some peace and put the disappointment, disturbance and negativity behind you. Maybe some forgiveness and ceremonial steps to put that situation behind you. To Integrate back into your being and break any ties that bind him to you. Any energy that you sent to him such as love, hate or disappointment that can be a potential link. like in No man’s zone). That way he can’t crawl back up that thread to reattach to you. That he how he goes about his business. It’s how he feeds himself and the monkeys on his back.
K- That’s a good thing to hear and it is a tough one to go through
MarVeena
there is still a lot of healing to do. A lot of ceremonial pulling back you from him. You need to forgive yourself for letting yourself get involved with him. Maybe take some meditation time with your Inner Child to say I’m sorry for putting you in this situation. Nurture the Inner Child. It’s that important part of your self. It’s that part of us that can help us out in the world and gather our adventures. To be in a postion to give back your beauty and make an impact on others on this journey. With the limitation with child consciousness, it doesn’t understand that you are in a safe place. You can move through some of these with exercises such as ceremonies and forgiveness, concerning people who have caused pain and grief. The headaches will go by the wayside. You can do a To Do List. It’s important to engage in these exercises a little at a time and only deal with one at a time. You can ask your guardian angels to help you through this next place. Ask what is the next important thing. Write a list of people who have caused you pain, scared and hurt you. Only deal with one at a time. It may take 3 days to deal with one.
K-the only thing that I have left to do is the headstone. I can’t seem to do that. I will take a day off and then I just don’t do it.
M- She wants you to get, that she is not there, When you get ready to do that, just remember that she is not there. There is a big difference. Those things are to have the memories to remember the people that were important to us. To have a place to go back and trigger those memory. You can just as easily set those up in your home. You can set up a lot of things or something that she loved. Photograph, lock of hair, etc. you can feel her better here than going there. She wants you to get it over with. “”Buck up and get it over with. She said that you will feel better and more complete. She will not run off and leave you. It’s not like once you do that it’s not like putting the nail in the coffin.
She said that it’s entirely possible to have a relationship. We have to communicate from a higher level.. Right now you are use to communicating in the 5 senses. You have to bump it up to the higher senses. Make it your business to hone it and to practice it. When you do that, you will be able to get little glimpses or messages from her. You are already sensitive and you can already tell when her spirit is around. She is just laughing and said “Just think of me as an angel on a fluffy cloud”.
K-Ask her how she will come to me?
M-she says in a lot of different ways. It might be with the butterflies, birds, feathers, pennies, lights or the music on the radio. Sometimes you will get a sense of her and just know that she is around. She is still very sad and very guilty about the going out the way she did. She says she just really got tired of hurting. She got so tired of it. She didn’t feel like she had an outlet like “what could get better?” if she thought that things would get better than it would be different. She says In the spirit world, it is definitely a “no” to commit suicide. There are extenuating circumstances. Even if there weren’t, the spirit can process it over time and get it into perspective and eventually gain forgiveness. To think that it has to happen, all of the people that they had an agreement or a contract with on this earth. They have to forgive them. They have to find a way to make up to those people. For instance, if your daughter suppose to marry Enrico and have a child. It’s hard to make up for that. That is what they have to do is to find some way to make up for that or that person forgive them a hole in their journey.
M- I get a lot of books around you. Are you reading a lot? I’m getting something about books around you?
K-I started reading again and I have several books. I just finished “The Shack” and brought some suicide books with me that Jackie bought me. I’m really getting into reading.
M-Your daughter says that she reads over her shoulder. To keep you company. She says to acknowledge you Jackie saying “You take such good care of my Mom. You especially helped in making this connection. (meaning to communicate through a psychic). She is very grateful. I’m not sure that Mom would have found me. She is laughing…………………... I see a real pretty cat that is a Persian? Does someone have a Persian?
K-we had 2 cats. You mean now? I fostered 2 cats for a friend that lost a home. There was a creamy cat that looked like a persian. I fostered it for a week and somebody came to pick them up. We always had cats.
M-It was really pretty. Whitish or Light colored, not your average cat. That is the image that I saw. Is there a Catherine or Kathleen in the family?
K-Kathy is a friend of mine. She helped a lot when Ashley was sick.
M-Just let her know that she was acknowledged and appreciate her. I get a teacher, is there someone who was a teacher was connected to her?
K-Yes, the science teacher. They were really, really, really close. She would spend every lunch hour with him in his room reading science since she couldn’t eat lunch. I’ve been thinking about him a lot. His wife died about the same time as Ashley has passed. He knew her so well.
M-I feel that she send her hello to him and he was a good support to her. He was like a rock to hang onto good presence. It can be unnerving to feel different form the other kids. He was like parent figure at school and like a protection. When she felt outside the box
K I think she missed having a father figure.
M-I feel that she would like that. I think she wants to send her hello to him and he was a good support to her. He was like a rock to hang onto and a good presence. It can be unnerving sometimes to feel different from the other kids. He was like parent figure at school and like a protective place, when she felt outside the box.
K I think she missed having a father figure. I think she wanted it really bad.
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M-I think you are right and that was definitely a good connection for her. I see a clown.
K=I bought her a clown when she was at the Mayo Clinic. It has glass beads. It was suppose to go in her casket and it didn’t make it. Tell her I’m taking very good care of it and it’s tucked away in a box of memories of her.
M-I think she wants to keep it with you. It has her energy on it.
K-she wanted a clown masquerade or clowns marching through. That’s the kind of funeral she wanted. Whenever her grandpa died…….
M-like the Mardi Gras or New Orleans?
K-yes, when my dad died, she was telling Kayla her niece. That was the kind of funeral that she wanted. That was not what she wanted.
M-she is showing me the pretty clowns. She loved it and it very appreciative of it. It was like a big bright sight. Every time she looked at it, it made her happy. It was like a touchstone, to get out of the reality of the pain. Let’s transition to this bright and happy colors, a way to shift her consciousness.
K- It was always right by her desk by her computer.
M-Now I see a Razor back hog, Arkansas connection or Bill Clinton. Is there some connection?
K-she liked Bill Clinton not George Bush. She would tell anyone on the street. She was very vocal about it.
M-Did someone in the family have a Poodle?
K-No
M-I see a pretty white poodle. You will have to ponder on who might have had one?
K-I don’t know if you are going back. When we lived at the lake this lady had a tall white poodle. She loved, loved that poodle. Dog’s name was John. That is the only poodle I can think of
M-She’s probably going back to a happy memory. She is saying “A long time ago in a far far away place”. She has quite an imagination and very creative. Did she write poetry?
K-Yes
M-she is showing me her poetry? She knew that it would be a hard go around here. She says You know the ego really buys into this place. We always think before we come in that we will be objective and remember exactly why we are here. What we plan to do here. She was real expressive.
K-She is very dramatic
M-That’s it. Dramatic and expressive.
K-uses big words
M-That is what she is talking about.
M-Now was there something about hair. Was she particular of her hair?
K-Yes,
M-I just felt that was something she thought it was pretty. She was frustrated because she felt thin. She did like her hair.
K- Yes, she thought her hair was very pretty.she liked it natural and wouldn’t blow dry. She wanted it to be healthy.
M-She is showing me her hair. She was quite a pistol, isn’t she.
K-she is still a pistol on the other side.
M-There is no was about it, Mom.
K-It’s good to see that still a pistol on the other side.
M-she says when we are on this plateau and we integrate all of our other lifetimes and makes us humble. I want to say the word grace. We feel the sense of grace and for all that we gain. For all the trials and tribulations and that we persevere while we are on this plane. How hard it is to be a Mom and lose a child. The love and the human nature is the thing. Does she draw?
K-she is a very good artist.
M-she is showing me images. My goodness, she is very gifted.
K-If you go to my Facebook and on my albums. You just look through there, you will see pictures of her art work. That’s like her. Ashley, if she had pencil and paper, then she was happy.
M-Did she have some artwork that had some lips. There’s something about lips. You know like Marilyn Monroe? Smooch lips?
K-Yes, there was one with the head of a guy and a girl that were kissing. It’s hard to tell as every drawing was different and eclectic.
M-Yes, that’s it.
K-The thing about Ego. She had drawn a picture about Ego. She always called her people Apathy and gave them names like emotions. All her people were named after emotions. She had all these people in her head that she was going to write a story about. All her pictures are out in her album. That is what I miss. When I saw her in the casket and looked at her hands. I thought that she would never draw again. That’s what she loved and I nurtured it.
M-I just saw this image of smooch lips and it seemed like it was in a quadrant. The lips were in the middle like a Mandela.
K- I couldn’t put everything on Facebook and I have a box with all her pictures. A lot of them are framed and I just my favorites on Facebook.
J-She did a ceramic face and I was just blown away
M-Maybe that is what I’m trying to….
K-It’s huge.
J-It looked African to me.
K-She did it by hand. I put her in an art school. A school for kids that are not mainstream. Kansas City Academy. She did this with her hands and they called me back there “Look what she did”. I said of course my child is extremely gifted. She is a beautiful artist. I didn’t know what else to do with her art. I contacted people. I don’t want to feel like a failure. Maybe there is still a way for her art to be used. If people want to use her art
M-Maybe you can get photographs of it and create a file. You can have examples that you can send to maybe hospitals or hospices, museums, galleries, schools or even the art school she went to. Different places to have a need for something inspirational. So the first thing is to photograph and then you can have something to send out. Kind of like a mini representation. She is laughing she is showing a big polar bear.
K-I had a white polar bear collection and I gave all to her. She loved white polar bears. I’m a big Coca Cola fan. So she would buy me Coca Cola bear. I had polar bears all around the house.
M-It’s like the laughing polar bear….. She wants her art to make you happy and smile.
K-Oh it does
M-And to be around you. And anyone else that it brings a smile would make her happy too. That is her opinion on this. She said that she met Jesus and there are a lot of different master teachers and beautiful angels. Archangels and beautiful spirits. There is a lot of them there. They are very accessible and very helpful with souls to work through their process. Of anything that is left over. I see a large fish like something you would get out of the ocean. Was there like a trip to Florida?
K-We went to Beaver Lake in Arkansas. You had mentioned Arkansas before and we caught stripers. They are not the big sail fish. That is the biggest fishing trip we had been on.
M-this is not a striper. It’s a sail fish with a fin. It puts me in mind of a vacation. Are you thinking about going on a tropical vacation or holiday?
K-Like now?
M-Coming up?
K-If you mean like my plane ride yesterday, then yes. A guy mentioned to me as we were talking on the plane, that I should take a ocean fishing trip. It has been on my mind. I haven’t formulated it yet.
M-I think that she is acknowledging that.
K-That Mom should probably do that.
M-I think that is what she is talking about. That would be good and fun. She says that you need to make it adventurous. She said Don’t worry about money. It’s just numbers in the end. She says I can laugh because I know how it really comes to you. Just as long as you have faith and trust that it will come to you. As long as you trust, that’s her opinion.
K-She knows her Momma.
M-I see a fire engine. Did you all ever live by a fire station? Or have a fire dog?
K-At the Lake, there was a antique fire truck that they would drive around the lake. I had taken her one time to a firehouse. A friend of mine showed her the bell. She always liked fire engines.
M-I think that she is probably acknowledging that. Her compact (that she is holding to pick up on Ashley) feels really good. A lot of times, when I hold other people’s things then I will have to put it down. It doesn’t agitate me. She has beautiful energy and it’s angelic. Very pure and very high and very powerful. She just said that she came in for a quick turnaround (meaning dying at a young age). She said that she didn’t want to be an old lady.
K-That sounds like her.
M-She’s laughing. Did she hurt her finger? She is showing me like you would tie a string to remind her self of something or a bandaid?
K-You know it’s funny. Her fingers and everything on her hurt all the time. I can’t remember if she had. Everything was moving so fast. I do have this hand of hers. (Wooden artistic hand) I had this hand of hers and I put my rings on that.
M-That is what she is showing me is a finger.
M-Is there a Nancy connected to her.
K-We were photography friends. It’s one of those things..should I or shouldn’t I tell her. I know she would call me. We sorta had parted ways.
M-that would be good. An image of a kitty cat and a bowl. Tell me your question.
K-I have a sister Amy and I don’t know if Ashley can help with this. We were very close in our life and it has changed. Our relationship is estranged and I have been told not until we can have a healthy one. I don’t know what she means by that. I don’t want to pursue the question because I know where it will go. I am very comfortable with who I am and I’m happy. As happy as a person can be considering what I have been through. It eats at me that she says that.
M- It not about you. It’s about her. What I am getting a disappointment on how she handles herself around certain situations. She doesn’t feel good. I don’t know if she knows that. Still it eats at her. It’s an unconscious thing. It’s seems like it’s a protection mechanism. For her to say that I’m really not ready, maybe to feel your love. Because in this weird way, it can be devastating to know that she could be so wrong. She has a lot of stuff that she needs to work out about herself. What you can do that is positive is that every time you think of her, send her a lot of love. Send out the idea that you are holding a space for her to step into the highest aspect. Those words of blessing will help her and send out a stream of consciousness to her that you are ready to be a friend and a sister, when she is ready. It’s not about you. It’s about her. I feel like she has let herself down and she has let the family down in different things. Where she wasn’t there for you with Ashley that she should have been. That is embarrassing and can be a little overwhelming. Sometimes forgiveness can be so huge and some people don’t know if they can live through the shock of it.
K-I really want to forgive and move on. It’s a struggle.
M-You can forgive her and put that hurt and that disappointment and pain…just put that in your heart space..with the unconditional love. Acknowledge when she is ready, that you will be there. Understand that she made the choices in life from her ego and from a limited place of understanding or from a lot of fear. That is how she made her decisions and how she ran her energy. There is a lot of regrets there. It’s another hard lesson to love even when you really don’t have a good reason to love. I got confirmation on that. It’s disappointing and hard, but it’s still do-able. I think down the road it will turn around. Just hold the space for that to happen, rather than to dwell on the rift. You might make an affirmation like “It’s good to have close loving family around me” or “I’m very lucky to have loving sisters”. Even though you don’t feel it to be 100%, by making that affirmation it sends out a way for the universe to weave.
J-Like a magnet
M-Exactly. It may not be your blood sister or it might be your cousin that comes forth like your sister. That are not relatives at all that have your back and help to support you. Affirmations help to keep a good perspective and to put yourself in that position to have that relationship with her again. Now did someone ever have a corvette?
K-Amy did. My sister.
M-Your daughter is showing me that.
K-Maybe she is going back to the fun times that we use to have.
M-I think so. You have to remember the fun times and that is a good point there. Remember her from a place of innocence before the world screwed her up. Yes, that is definitely important. Tell me what your other questions are?
K-Last time, she mentioned right off the bat for me to stop worrying about the religion and the guilt.
J-The religion that you grew up with your family members.
K-It has brought a lot of guilt and I’m really moving away from that. It’s getting a lot better. To be more comfortable with where I’m at. She (Ashley) said that there was no hell but hell on earth. She always says that she is in a good place. That is my main thing is to just know that she is happy. That she is in a good place and that she is pain free. That she is helping others
M-She says that there are different levels of heaven and you have to earn your way to progress to the different levels. The ones that are higher up are closer to the God head. There is a level for everyone. She says within those levels, there are teachings and opportunities to learn and process. In between there is a level that you may think as purgatory, but it is not. It is not a place of punishment but like going to a hospital that has a lot of wonderful counselors. Where a spirit can go and ponder, think, cry or scream about things. Or get over getting mad about things. They have angelic help such as asking have you looked at it like this. Or realize the pain you were in. She says because of her unique situation with being so ill, that she wasn’t there very long at all (short life). It was like a pit stop. She knew that you would understand. So that helped too. You helped her a lot. You may not have been appreciative or happy, but you understood. You got it and it helped. She says that the more that you become pain free and don’t dwell on the pain of that. You are very tied and this will frees up her guilt there. So as you process and heal, she is able to free up and heal. She says the only pain that she has is relative to your pain. As you are able to heal and move some of that through, then she does equally and proportionately. She said that is a karmic law, that when people cause pain and suffering to someone when they cross over, that they experience equally amount of pain and suffering.
M-Is there a Nancy connected to her.
K-We were photography friends. It’s one of those things..should I or shouldn’t I tell her. I know she would call me. We sorta had parted ways.
M-that would be good. An image of a kitty cat and a bowl. Tell me your question.
K-I have a sister Amy and I don’t know if Ashley can help with this. We were very close in our life and it has changed. Our relationship is estranged and I have been told not until we can have a healthy one. I don’t know what she means by that. I don’t want to pursue the question because I know where it will go. I am very comfortable with who I am and I’m happy. As happy as a person can be considering what I have been through. It eats at me that she says that.
M- It not about you. It’s about her. What I am getting a disappointment on how she handles herself around certain situations. She doesn’t feel good. I don’t know if she knows that. Still it eats at her. It’s an unconscious thing. It’s seems like it’s a protection mechanism. For her to say that I’m really not ready, maybe to feel your love. Because in this weird way, it can be devastating to know that she could be so wrong. She has a lot of stuff that she needs to work out about herself. What you can do that is positive is that every time you think of her, send her a lot of love. Send out the idea that you are holding a space for her to step into the highest aspect. Those words of blessing will help her and send out a stream of consciousness to her that you are ready to be a friend and a sister, when she is ready. It’s not about you. It’s about her. I feel like she has let herself down and she has let the family down in different things. Where she wasn’t there for you with Ashley that she should have been. That is embarrassing and can be a little overwhelming. Sometimes forgiveness can be so huge and some people don’t know if they can live through the shock of it.
K-I really want to forgive and move on. It’s a struggle.
M-You can forgive her and put that hurt and that disappointment and pain…just put that in your heart space..with the unconditional love. Acknowledge when she is ready, that you will be there. Understand that she made the choices in life from her ego and from a limited place of understanding or from a lot of fear. That is how she made her decisions and how she ran her energy. There is a lot of regrets there. It’s another hard lesson to love even when you really don’t have a good reason to love. I got confirmation on that. It’s disappointing and hard, but it’s still do-able. I think down the road it will turn around. Just hold the space for that to happen, rather than to dwell on the rift. You might make an affirmation like “It’s good to have close loving family around me” or “I’m very lucky to have loving sisters”. Even though you don’t feel it to be 100%, by making that affirmation it sends out a way for the universe to weave.
J-Like a magnet
M-Exactly. It may not be your blood sister or it might be your cousin that comes forth like your sister. That are not relatives at all that have your back and help to support you. Affirmations help to keep a good perspective and to put yourself in that position to have that relationship with her again. Now did someone ever have a corvette?
K-Amy did. My sister.
M-Your daughter is showing me that.
K-Maybe she is going back to the fun times that we use to have.
M-I think so. You have to remember the fun times and that is a good point there. Remember her from a place of innocence before the world screwed her up. Yes, that is definitely important. Tell me what your other questions are?
K-Last time, she mentioned right off the bat for me to stop worrying about the religion and the guilt.
J-The religion that you grew up with your family members.
K-It has brought a lot of guilt and I’m really moving away from that. It’s getting a lot better. To be more comfortable with where I’m at. She (Ashley) said that there was no hell but hell on earth. She always says that she is in a good place. That is my main thing is to just know that she is happy. That she is in a good place and that she is pain free. That she is helping others
M-She says that there are different levels of heaven and you have to earn your way to progress to the different levels. The ones that are higher up are closer to the God head. There is a level for everyone. She says within those levels, there are teachings and opportunities to learn and process. In between there is a level that you may think as purgatory, but it is not. It is not a place of punishment but like going to a hospital that has a lot of wonderful counselors. Where a spirit can go and ponder, think, cry or scream about things. Or get over getting mad about things. They have angelic help such as asking have you looked at it like this. Or realize the pain you were in. She says because of her unique situation with being so ill, that she wasn’t there very long at all (short life). It was like a pit stop. She knew that you would understand. So that helped too. You helped her a lot. You may not have been appreciative or happy, but you understood. You got it and it helped. She says that the more that you become pain free and don’t dwell on the pain of that. You are very tied and this will frees up her guilt there. So as you process and heal, she is able to free up and heal. She says the only pain that she has is relative to your pain. As you are able to heal and move some of that through, then she does equally and proportionately. She said that is a karmic law, that when people cause pain and suffering to someone when they cross over, that they experience equally amount of pain and suffering.
M-It will until this party has forgiven, absolved it or processed it. It’s a karmic dynamic. So trust that she is surrounded by love and opportunities by family and spirits that are encouraging to her. She has everything that she needs. She wants you to continue to get into a better and better state of mind. The more that you do that, the better it gets for her. As long as you are delicate and in a real vulnerable state, as she will feel that she has to stay in attendance. As you get healing, it frees her up to go to Venice or go explore Jupiter or to go to an art school or go to a garden. She wants you to take the time that you need. Ask for the help that you need from her and spirit. They will what they can. She is so happy that you came today. Jackie, she sends her love and appreciation for bringing her Mom. It makes her feel good. She says you girls made my day. She is writing a poem about today.
J-I know you had a question about the gun? (question to Karla). You still feel some guilt about that?
K-Yes, I had the gun in a kitchen drawer in the house. She left her journal right out in the open on the floor of her room. I read it and it said I know that the gun is in the kitchen drawer. Suicide is not the way. I understand what you are going through. Life will be better. I didn’t know how the medical could be better, but I would be real positive. I then hid the gun way behind some pipes in a cabinet. I don’t know how she found it and that is what she used. She shot herself in the head. I wonder how she felt right before she did it? Maybe that is not a question I should ask her. I’m curious about what went through her head right before she did it. I’m just curious.
M-I don’t know if she wants you to know. Because I think that it’s sad.
K- sometimes I’m curious but then I don’t want the answer.
M-I think that she was just determined. She was worried about the consequences, the drama, the sadness, the pain and the hole in your life. She didn’t think that there was much of an option to the pain. She was afraid that if she went past a certain point, she wouldn’t be able to do it herself. There was a fear of losing her strength and that she wouldn’t be able to do it herself. Or circumstances would take the opportunity away. That is what I heard. She said that it was easy to find it as she is very psychic. Very intuitive.
K- I told people that if it had the safety on, she would cut it off. She was very very….
M-determined.
K-determined. She was.
M-Very determined and very resolved. I made up my mind and I’m just going to do it and get it over with. Be done with it.
J-The reason I brought it up is someone made a statement to you. “Don’t you wish you didn’t have the gun in the house?
K-This is my sister Amy that I am estranged from. When I went up to the casket, the first time to see her. They let me in by myself. Amy was right by me with her arm around me. We got right up to the casket. I still believe that even though her body is there, that Ashley is still there and can hear. My sister Amy said Don’t you wish that you didn’t have a gun as she would still be alive? I just turned and said I’m not going to answer that. That is a very inappropriate question to ask me right now.
M-Yeah, she doesn’t have a good way with words.
K-Then she went over to her daughter who she is estranged from and real loud. I remember when you were a kid and you wanted to kill yourself. She made a big ass of herself at the funeral. I let that go but like you said she is embarrassed. To me, when something like this happens, you are going to have people that blame you. You can’t let them blame you.
M-See there is still You that blames you.
K-Yeah
M-but in answer to your question if the gun had gone, it would have been pills or something.
J-That is what I was thinking.
M-She was very determined.
K-There were knives, scissors, razorblades. We weren’t living in a padded cell.
M-There were other ways
J-I was told that she even found out on the internet to shoot at the base of the skull
K-So it won’t blow out the other side of your head.
J-That is what Amy told me.
K-It was a small enough gun that it wouldn’t go out the other side. That’s why there was an open casket. Those are the little details that…..
J-Didn’t she look that up on the internet?
K-Ashley? Probably.
M-I felt like it was definitely thought out and planned out. She said that you couldn’t have thought of everything to block her. She appreciates you. That you wanted to protect her. She just felt like that was the answer. She was so close to the spirit world that she knew that it was right there and that it was pain free.
K-she had dreams and she wrote them down in her journal. The dreams are about Memory keepers. I really want to share her journal as it’s so enlightening.
M-I think that it would be wonderful with her art.
K-I will send you a blog when I do one.
M-I will definitely look at that.
K-Just to sit there and read it. You just laugh and cry.
M-I think that there is a lot of healing that will come out from that. A lot of inspiration for people in pain, both as parents, spouses and survivors of suicide and those in terminal pain.
K-that is what I’m trying to do now is to support the parents that has the same disease as she has. I am meeting a family tomarrow morning at Panera Bread (restaurant) that is from Dallas. I will meet my first EOS family. The EOS is for Eosinphilia. This whole trip has become a real bright spot in my life. It gives me chills.
M-I think that is very healing. That is another aspect of the healing. It is to talk to these people. Has their child passed over?
K-No, his name is Zeke and he is young. He just found out that he has EOS in his teenage years. There are people that are getting Ashley’s age. They say if you get these kids involved in something then they can forget about the pain. It depends how far their pain has gone. If he has a feeding tube, then he can be nourished. Ashley didn’t get one, so she wasn’t nourished. I think she went too far with malnutrition, as it affected her body. The kids need to get their nourishment. She begged for a feeding tube and the doctor said that we can’t diagnose you. That is why I have anger at the medical world that I am working on. The failure that they have done. Yes, I have a list of things to do.
M- yes, you want to do it so it won’t come back on you. You want to get that behind you.
K- I don’t want to live with anger.
M-Don’t. Because you don’t want to live with it. It will cause problems. It will cause you physical problems. You want to make that big on your to do list.
K-I’m trying to be positive and see the good in thing, even though I am beaten down.
M- you are not down.
J-she has done surprisingly well.
M-we will do a prayer. We thank all the angels to help to hold the circle. We thank Ashley especially to take the time to be with us. To bring a lot of joy in our heart and encouragement. We thank Jesus and the angel guides. At this time, we open the circle and it know it’s not broken. So be it and so it shall continue to be. She is showing me the Sphinx by the Nile and how it rises up out of it’s ashes like the Phoenix.
2/3/10-----A portion from my reading with Kathleen Tucci, psychic
My cousin Karla, her daughter committed suicide. Back in October
K-Oh, I’m so sorry.
J-Yes she was only 14. It was quite a shock.
K-Oh my God
J-I was wondering….Her name is Ashley the daughter and was there anything that she wanted to convey to her Mom?
K-Just a second, I didn’t know we were going in that direction. I will tune into that vibration. This wasn’t a hanging was it? Just yes or no answer
J-No
K-I get substance. I get “Can’t breathe” for Ashley. Hard for her to swallow. I see the constriction of the throat.
J-Ok that makes sense.
K-It could have been from the medicine or whatever she took. Was there a grandparent that passed before her? Like the year before?
J-Yes
K-I get that she was depressed about the grandparent that had passed. She’s in a very good place though. She is very happy. When she first crossed over, she acknowledges that went to a place that wasn’t scary or dark. She was isolated a little bit until she could figure out that she wasn’t suppose to cross herself over. That isn’t how it’s suppose to be or make the right choice. Does she have a younger brother? Is that right?
J-No
K-was she the youngest?
J-she was the only child
K-I get that there is someone younger? I wonder is she has a cousin that is younger? She wants to say hi to the younger boy.
J-Oh she wants to say hi to the younger boy?
K-the boy is still living. She was around him often. I thought it was her brother. Do you know anyone named Clay? In that area?
J-Clay is my nephew
K-How is he connected to Ashley in any way?
J-No
K-Let me see what she is trying to say about Clay? Because he is still living. I’m trying to understand where she is going with this. Is Karla your friend?
J-Karla is my cousin
K=Oh, she is your cousin
J-Ashley and Clay would be cousins, but they weren’t really around each other.
K-Okay, for her to say….she is going somewhere with this. I need to figure out what she wants to say about Clay?….Ooh, okay…Is Clay around the same age as her?
J-No
K-I know he is younger. How much younger is he?
J-Well he is older, he is 21. HE is older than her. She is 14.
K-Let me ask you this. What I’m getting from Ashley. One of the reasons she is bringing up Clay is she is worried about him. I’m not saying he might do what she did. I’m not sure if she is trying to say that he has a drug problem? Or that he is experimenting with drugs. Does that mean that he is suicidal? Or is he very depressed and he needs someone to help him? I’m not sure. She is concerned for his emotional health. She is trying to shine a light on him and have people look at him. He could use some more support or needs some help emotionally.
J-I know that I’ve been worried. Afraid that…..well, he has been unemployed and trying to find a job in a rural area. It’s harder in those rural areas. After Ashley had killed herself, I stopped by to see Clay on a road trip. I told him “I just worried….I hope that you don’t get so down about this that you would want to kill yourself?: and he told me no.
K-Sorry, kinda know that Ashley just put that out there. You or somebody needs to keep an eye on him or checking on him every once in a while. Make sure that he is okay. She seems to have a concern there. I’m trying to ask her if she has a direct message for Karla other than she missed her grandparent that has passed. They have made contact there. She said that she is sorry. This happened at home in her bedroom?
J-yes
K-she says that she feels bad that people found her in her bedroom. She did it there at the house.
J-yes
K-she feels bad about that. There is a window over the kitchen sink, right?
J-yes. She says that area is somewhere where her spirit can easily permeate. I think that Karla has heard her call her name.
J-Yes she has. Ashley says that she worked really really hard to make that happen and make that come through. She says when Karla wants to feel really close to me one of the places in the house that I can speak easily to her is right there by the kitchen sink. Now is there a red chair? Or a macroon chair?
J-at the house?
K-yes, she said that’s an easy place for her to talk to people. Somebody gave her a cross. When Ashley died, someone actually gave Karla a cross. Something with a cross or a cross on it. Ashley is acknowledging that because she wants Karla to know that she was there and she saw what happened. Afterwards, when she crossed. Does that make sense?
J-Yes
K-Did you want to ask her something?
J-I just wanted to make sure I got a message to her mother. And see what she wanted to tell her.
K-she does have a lot of remorse over it. Doing it there in the house. She is sorry that she went to that length. She wants her to know that she is in a really good place and happy. How long ago did you say that she passed?
J-Around the last week of October.
K-Was her birthday like in the beginning of October or September?
J-I’m not sure
K-seems like she is saying Not long before passed, she went to a birthday party or celebrated a birthday. She is giving me the birthday symbol
J-Karla had a birthday.
K-She is saying there was a birthday and then I did this. She feels really bad about it. She does love her Mom very much. Is her Dad out of the picture?
J-Yeah
K-she says even though Dad is out of the picture, I want to say I love him too. She is in a really good place. Does Ashley smoke when she was young?
J-I’m not sure.
K-Okay, I want you to tell Karla this. She might do this for both of you. She is going to make you smell smoke. I’m sure this is a sign to let you know that she is around, she will have you smell smoke. Does it make sense that you would smell smoke? She says that she like fire, she liked flames, she liked candles. She is mesmerized by fire. She is going to use smoke and it wouldn’t make sense. Like in a closet or someone where noone is smoking. That is her. She is trying to let people know Hey I’m here. She will probably do things with candles too. Or someone will light a candle and it will keep going out. She said thank you. Thank you for asking about me. She is pulling her energy back. She was showing us yellow flowers and then she showed me things that represent burial, grave or cemetery. I didn’t have a chance to ask her if she was cremated? She pulled her energy back. My sense of it is she trying to let people know that she saw the yellow flowers at her passing. Did someone give yellow flowers?
J-I will have to ask my cousin, because I didn’t get to go to the funeral because it was out of state and I couldn’t break away. She wasn’t cremated. There was a casket and she was buried.
K-It may have been a yellow spray on the casket. The yellow flowers seem to be significant. She wants her Mom to know that she saw the yellow flowers.
J-Ok, good.
K-I feel sorry for your loss.
J-yes, it was quite traumatic.
K-I can’t even imagine. Was that where you guys were talking about? Did this happen 6 months ago?
J-You know…maybe that is it. Yeah, that might be it.
K-It seemed like a loss to me.
J- alittle less than 6 months.
Friday, February 19, 2010
FUNERAL SERVICE FOR ASHLEY NICOLE FLIGER
Psalm 23
Prayer
"HELLO" by kayla weinand
Obituary & family memories
"MY IMMORTAL" by kayla weinand
Message by kevin weinand
Closing prayer
Graveside - I Corintians 15:51-58
Psalm 23:1-6
1 The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. 2 He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. 3 He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. 4 Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. 5 You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. 6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.
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Family Memories:
AUNT AMY Ashley liked to stay at my house while she was in Troy visiting Grandma. I fixed spaghetti and she loved the sprinkle cheese. She picked off all the cheese with her tongue and ask for more cheese. She loved my cats. She spent the night with me one of the times and she pushed me out of the queen size bed. I went to another room to a twin bed and she found me there. We ended up back in the queen size bed. She loved to sleep right next to you. Ashley always had a smile for me and she was interested in my sewing. Ashley was a very special person in my life. I will miss her.
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LEE WEINAND Ashley was very funny, she always made me laugh. Last weekend we visited Ashley and Karla. Ashley & I played her Wii. She named her character cake. I don’t know why, but that just struck me funny. She got my Dsi and drew a picture. Ashley was a very good artist. We all loved her drawings. I will miss you Ashley.
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GRANDMA WEINAND Ashley was a very loving special child and she loved to come to our home. She loved to get in grandpa’s recliner and he would tickle her and they would giggle. She loved going to SS & church with me. I’d have paper and pencil in my purse and she loved drawing story pictures. Once we had an Easter contata and she drew pictures of the story. She always had a smile for everyone and would talk to anyone. I will miss her.
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ANDREA CARPIO Ashley was an amazing young lady. She was always so happy and quick to have fun when she visited me. I loved just sitting next to her and letting her talk. The things she would say would often be well thought out ideas or just goofy ramblings of a carefree child. I will always miss those conversations and the smiles and giggles that were a part of them. She was a talented artist who always had a masterpiece for me to hang on my fridge. She was a beautiful girl and I will miss her more than words could ever express.
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AUNT SANDRA I liked talking with Ashley and will miss her.
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UNCLE KEVIN Due to the fact that we lived in KC, we each other often. I can hear her giggling in Kayla’s room or chasing Lee to catch him and give him hugs and kisses. I remember her philosophies on life that she would tell me. Always a smile and a giggle. Mayo clinic and you getting to see us. Your smiles, laughter, giggles, and you sqealing "Uncle Kevin, don’t chase me" will always ring in my ear from this last weekend. She and I battled weight. She battled weight gain and I battled weight loss and we had a competition with each other on who was doing the best in comparison.
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ASHLEY’S LIFE THOUGHTS *We are all the same. *Did not see color of skin, religious differences, or sexual orientation. *We were all equal and put here by God to make the world better. *Non-judgemental. * Always spotted the weakest or outcast and would go out of her way to befriend them. *Wanted to ‘poke atoms’ - be a scientist. *Artistic & loved soothing music. * Loved to wear her mom’s clothes.
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Message
Matthew 5:4 God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Isaiah 43:2 When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.
2 Corinthians 12:9 My grace is all you need.
Isaiah 66:13 I will comfort you as a mother comforts her child.
Isaiah 41:13 For I hold you by your right hand I, the Lord your God. And I say to you, ‘Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you.
John 14 1-3, 6, 18 Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. 2 In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also. 6 Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me. 18 I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.
1) Jesus saw troubled disciples. 2) Jesus offered comfort. 3) Jesus made a promise of heaven We all have questions and not many answers, but there is a God who does care, knows the answers, and knows how to comfort each one. Does God care? Does God know about pain, suffering, and grief? Yes!. God sent His only Son, Jesus, to earth to die for our sins. In the garden, God had to turn His back on Jesus. WHY? As a father He naturally wanted to intervene and stop, but the battle was so intense that He had to turn His back, so the plan of salvation would be complete. This is the only time recorded that God turned his back on someone who was hurting. He did this so that the plan of salvation would be complete and you and I could make it to heaven. God loves us and wants to give healing and comfort today. God sees Karla’s hurting heart and knows how hard Karla worked at being a good mother to Ashley. God knows how much Karla did to help Ashley with her physical needs. Karla put her career, job, and everything else on the line to help Ashley. Karla, I give you honor today.
Ashley knew a lot about physical pain. She had pain from birth. She is free of pain. Revelation 21:4 God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
This is a picture of a child who is hurting and crying crawling upon a loving parent’s lap and the parent tenderly wiping the tears and hugging the child and giving all the comfort that they can give. This is what God does for us now. When we do make it to heaven, there will be no more pain or sorrow.
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Graveside
I Corinthians 15 :51-58 Behold, I shew you a mystery; We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed. For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality. So when this corruptible shall have put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory? The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.
ASHLEY’S LIFE THOUGHTS *We are all the same. *Did not see color of skin, religious differences, or sexual orientation. *We were all equal and put here by God to make the world better. *Non-judgmental. * Always spotted the weakest or outcast and would go out of her way to befriend them. *Wanted to ‘poke atoms’ - be a scientist. *Artistic & loved soothing music. * Loved to wear her mom’s clothes. She had a huge heart and was kind and treated everyone with great manners. She was cute yet classy. Everywhere she went, she would find or see hearts in nature. She loved to snuggle with mom. I knew she was precious, it was just hard for her to know and believe that for some reason. Her pain kept her from having a normal social life which caused depression. I love her and will miss her. However, I know she is here with me, helping me through each day and whispering "Mom, help all the other kids with this pain like you helped me."
SPIRITUAL CONTACT A cousin bought me a psychic reading as a gift to help me deal with my grief. The first reading was on the phone. It started out with the psychic seeing white wings. The first thing Ashley said to the psychic was for me to stop worrying about the religion and guilt. She wanted to know if I was ok and was it too early to be contacting her. Ashley talked about Grandpa Weinand and that he and her were drawing together. She said that there is no hell, that it is only hell on earth. She said she is in a good place, she is happy and pain free. She was learning everything she could possibly learn. She talked about Dave, her step dad. He apologized for all the grief that he had put us through. Ashley wanted to say Hello to her cousin Andrea and my friend Monica. She also mentioned Kayla one time and wanted to thanks Kevin for being such a good brother to her mother.
The next contact was through a reading that my cousin had. She just mentioned that her cousin's daughter had committed suicide and wanted to know more. The psychic wanted to know if she had hung herself because she could sense a restriction of the esophogus. I got goosebumps! She had identified the EE but didn't realize it. She said that a grandparent of Ashley's had passed away and that it really depressed Ashley because she missed them so much. Her grandpa had passed away the previous year. Also, her stepdad passed away 6 months ago. She said that Ashley was sorry she did this in her bedroom and that we had to find her this way. She said that she didn't want to do it there but ran out of options. She said that someone will give me a cross and she will be watching. She also loved the yellow flowers at the funeral.
Ok, I met Cindy Cope-Angel today for coffee. She had a gift for me and guess what it was??? A cross!!! Jackie and I looked at each other in astonishment.
Ashley told the psychic that I could feel her by the kitchen window and through smoke (I am assuming through candles).
The next meeting I had was with Marveena in Dallas this weekend. She held Ashley's little compact mirror that Ashley bought at a boutigue in Weston, MO. Ashley was happy to see me and thanked me for taking the time to be there. She thanked Jackie for bringing me and taking care of her mother. Ashley said that she didn't want to grow old so she just circled in for a short visit. I asked about the guilt I have for not purchasing the headstone yet. The answer was, "She isn't there, anyway. Her spirit is out and around us.". Ashley said that she reads books over my shoulder. Ashley wanted me to forgive myself for the mistake I made with Mike. She said that her pain can only go away as mine does. She hurts as much as I do for hurting so many people. She giggled a lot which is what Ashley did.
reminded me of nik almost, even though she was 14 and not 13.
conversations with my 13 year old self-PINK.
Conversations with my thirteen year old self
Conversations with my thirteen year old self
You're angry
I know this
The world couldn't care less
You're lonely
I feel this
And you wish you were the best
No teachers
Or guidance
And you always walk alone
You're crying
At night when
Nobody else is home
Come over here and let me hold your hand and hug you darling
I promise you that it won't always feel this bad
There are so many things I want to say to you
You're the girl I used to be
You little heartbroken thirteen year old me
You're laughing
But you're hiding
God I know that trick too well
You forget
That I've been you
And now I'm just the shell
I promise
I love you and
Everything will work out fine
Don't try to
Grow up yet
Oh just give it some time
The pain you feel is real you're not asleep but it's a nightmare
But you can wake up anytime
Oh don't lose your passion or the fighter that's inside of you
You're the girl I used to be
The pissed off complicated thirteen year old me
Conversations with my thirteen year old self
Conversations with my thirteen year old self
Until we meet again
Oh I wish you well oh
I wish you well
Little girl
Until we meet again
Oh
I wish you well
Little girl
I wish you well
Until we meet again
My little thirteen year old me
I found this on my work computer. She sent this to me 12/06/2007
(A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
> 1. Photography consultant
> 2. being a kid
> 3. profesional mom psych researcher
> 4. professional weirdo
>
> (B) Four movies I would watch over and over:
> (Pirates of the carribean)POTC
> POTC 2
> inyuasha 4
> napolean dynamite
>
> (C) Four places I have lived:
>
> froogigoogwertaikanpushumi ville
> Emo world
> Lala Land
> Kansas City, MO
>
> (D) Four TV Shows that I watch:
> 1. House
> 2. Inuyasha
> 3. Family Guy
> 4. Full metal alchemist
>
> (E) Four places I have been:
> 1. oogies burg
> 2. Emo world
> 3. San Diego, CA
> 4. Daytona Beach, FL
>
> (F) People who e-mail me (regularly)
> 1. Daniel
> 2. Sarica
> 3. telemarketers
> 4. mariah
>
> (G) Four Favorite foods
> 1. Cementines
> 2. wheat bread
> 3. peanut butter w/ soda crackers (sandwiched)
> 4. various plants especially 3-leaf clovers (4-leaf one's taste
horrible because of the mutation in their genetic code i suspect)
>
> (H) Four places I would rather be right now:
> 1. Emo world
> 2. dreamland
> 3. under a rock keeping the poor lil buggies warm =(
> 4. Purgatory (sounds cool)
>
> (I) Four friends I think will respond:
> 1. Sarica
> 2. daniel
> 3. mariah
> 4. pudgy (my cousin kayla)
>
> (J) Things I am looking forward to this (next) year:
> 1. getting a wii
> 2. being healthy again
> 3. maybe getting 2 ferrets or a chemeleon
> 4. more POTC movies
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